friend twenty-four.

October 2, 2011 at 12:10 am 2 comments

ok, well, crap.

the thing is.

the thing is that in some sort of creepy terrible horrible nauseating coincidence, right about the same time that i went public with my idea for this project, i got a message “from” friend twenty-four, inviting me to a celebration of her life. and you know, then, my skin got cold and goose-pimply and my stomach dropped, and i opened the message and… it wasn’t just some ill-named birthday party.

um. so then, in between confusion about my intentions with this project and disapproval about facebook in general by my girlfriend and all of that… there was This Weird Thing. so there’s that.

there’s that, which is the way that this project had an extra tinge of awkward on top of the already odd aspects based on just what it is…

but of course of course of course fuck it’s nothing compared to the way that friend twenty-four is dead and that’s really not right at all. friend twenty-four being dead is wrong in the way that poverty and war and Everything Everything Everything Bad is wrong.

she’s near the beginning of the alphabet so i knew i would be writing about her early on and i was envisioning a post about my heart-tearing crush on her in high school and being brave enough to write about it and then send it to her. but that’s not going to happen. i mean, see, i’ve written about it, but i’m not going to send it to her. which is wrong.

(someone in comments wrote at the beginning of this about her thinking of writing about people who have died. and… there was this girl in my first high school who died in a drunk driving accident on halloween night and the aftermath was the turning point in my resolve to tell people that they are fabulous whenever i can. but i still don’t ever ever ever ever ever EVER do it enough. fuck fuck fuck.)

she she she… you see she had this smile. it was really good. and sarcasm like you would not believe. and she smoked which bothered me of course but that was about it that bothered me. she was just pretty and smart and i could hang on everything she said and did for hours. and she was actually nice to me which was really refreshing. (i remember one time when i popular cheerleader complimented me on being creative and i went home and cried because i knew somewhere in there she was saying it to be mean.) we were in drama together and she was fantastic on stage. late in my senior year, even though i was at the same time trying to deny to myself that i liked girls at all, i was also realizing that my heart only really palpitated heavily when she was performing on stage. actually, when we were face to face, i just liked her as a friend, but man, was it nice to have a friend like her. ha, my next sentence was going to be “she introduced me to sylvia plath.” “was it nice to have a friend like her. she introduced me to sylvia plath.” but i didn’t mean it in a sarcastic bitter way or anything other than that she was one of those life-stretching people. you know. and we shared another important fact in really liking so long and thanks for all the fish, the fourth hitch-hikers guide book, except maybe she didn’t like it but it was my favorite and we definitely talked about it because she liked the series too. and i’m just grasping at details here because i want you to know her but our last real conversation was 14 years ago and she’s dead now and i can’t even have awkward silly facebook message conversations with her about any of this. there are frozen smiles on facebook and pictures of her children (god) and grieving messages. and it makes me want to hurl.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: , .

ma-a-a-an! friend twenty-five.

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sarah Kane  |  October 2, 2011 at 12:56 am

    How awful. I like that you chose to write about her anyway.

    I’m enjoying the blog. Sorry I picked the saddest entry to comment on.

    Reply
  • 2. cubbie  |  October 3, 2011 at 12:48 am

    thank you, sarah. it’s so awkward, because since there’s so much distance, there are all those internal questions about my right to mourn or be public about mourning… and yeah… our people need to stop dying.

    Reply

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